Category: Absurdist Texts & Documents

A Bishop is Reassured . . .

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A Bishop is Reassured Regarding his Loose Teeth

An old bishop, whom I knew, complained that he had already lost a number of his teeth, and that others were shaking so badly that he feared to lose these also.

At this a man of his district said: “Have no fear that you will lose your teeth.”

“Why not?” the bishop asked curiously.

“Well, my testicles have been hanging loose for the last forty years seeming always on the point of falling off, yet I have never lost them.”

from
The Facetiae Erotica of Poggio
by Poggio Bracciolini
Illustrations by Jana Vukovic

Coming in July in a Black Scat Classic Interim Edition

How to Write the Suicide Note

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The following is an excerpt from Doktor Bey’s Suicide Guidebook, just published in a Black Scat Classic Interim Edition,  part of the Absurdist Texts & Documents series. Limited to 85 copies.

note

THE SUICIDE NOTE

Here are ten tips to aid you in writing your suicide note, a particular often overlooked.

  1. Use of the first person is generally preferred.

  2. For maximum impact and credibility, always write in the past tense. (Example:: I was a failure in business.)

  3. If you are without family, friends, or even enemies, address the note “To Whom It May Concern.”

  4. When possible, use a typewriter. Far too many notes are indecipherable.

  5. Keep a carbon copy in your pocket, in case the original is misplaced.

  6. Do not concern yourself with the “beginning-middle-end” rule. Just concentrate on the end.

  7. Keep in mind that these are your last words. They should be commensurate with your social position.  They should reverberate in the reader’s mind!  Avoid such clichés as “Goodbye cruel world” and “To be or not to be . . .” Strive for the poetic.

  8. Self-pity, slang, and obscenity are acceptable.

  9. If artistically inclined, attach a self-portrait.

  10. Be brief. Nothing is more boring than a long goodbye.


*  *  *  *

Doktor Bey's Suicide Guidebook

CLICK HERE TO ORDER A COPY

The Original How-To to End All is Back!

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Doktor Bey's Suicide Guidebook

Long before Dr. Kevorkian was turning off the lights and the Hemlock Society was stocking up on helium—before jihadis were blowing themselves to smithereens—there was DOKTOR BEY’S SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK—the inspiration behind the worldwide assisted suicide movement. Indeed, the SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK (originally published by Dodd, Mead & Co. in 1977) is the world’s first, lavishly illustrated how-to to end all. Written by the notorious Doktor Bey, it has everything you need to know—including tips on composing the suicide note.

Black Scat Books is pleased to make this long out of print classic available to a new generation of the chronically depressed. With the world in chaos, DOKTOR BEY’S SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK is a welcome alternative to waiting around for Armageddon.

It’s a foolproof shortcut to god knows what.

BUY NOW

Strangelove Go Code

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Go-Code_KM

photo: Assaulty Cracker

Washington (CNN) — In an unprecedented action, an Air Force commander has stripped 17 of his officers of their authority to control and launch nuclear missiles.

The 17 are being sent to undergo 60 to 90 days of intensive refresher training on how to do their jobs. The action comes after their unit performed poorly on an inspection and one officer was investigated for potential compromise of nuclear launch codes, according to Lt. Col. John Dorrian, an Air Force spokesman.

The story was first reported by The Associated Press.

The action was taken by the deputy commander of the 91st Operations Group, Lt. Col. Jay Folds, whose officers run launch control centers for the Minuteman III nuclear missiles from Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota.

FURTHER READING:

TS

The Idiot Hath Arrived!

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No, not that idiot, this idiot…

How I Became an Idiot

Esteemed French drama critic (and the butt of derision at the cabaret Le Chat Noir), Francisque Sarcey reviewed the premiere of Alfred Jarry‘s Ubu Roi with this visionary verdict: ”…a filthy fraud which deserves nothing but the silence of contempt.”

Writer and humorist Alphonse Allais transformed Sarcey into an Ubuesque piñata in a series of wicked columns published under Sarcey’s name in the newspaper Le Chat Noir. 

Never before in English, this rare collection is introduced and translated from the French by Doug Skinner. Edition limited to 60 printed copies. #00 in our Black Scat Classics sub-series.

“How I Became an Idiot reminds me of Félix Fénéon’s excellent Novels in Three Lines… the unexpected is suddenly present, and there is rudeness, as well as a savagery of attack that we simply can’t imagine anyone doing to any well-known columnist of today and getting away with it.”
—Jeff Bursey, author of Verbatim: A Novel
Prepare yourself for some nasty laughs.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE: THIS TITLE IS OUT OF PRINT.

There will be no June Gloom here…

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ubu

Get out your markers and circle June 1st. That’s publication day for How I Became an Idiot by Francisque Sarcey. Sarcey (1827-1899) was an esteemed French drama critic and the butt of derision at the cabaret Le Chat noir. He reviewed the premiere of Alfred Jarry‘s Ubu Roi with this visionary verdict: “…a filthy fraud which deserves nothing but the silence of contempt.”

Yes, he was a visionary idiot.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S IRONY.

In the good hands of Alphonse Allais, Sarcey became an Ubuesque piñata for the avant-garde artists and writers of Montmartre. The absurdist master wrote a series of wicked columns for the newspaper Le Chat noir under the name Francisque Sarcey and, as you might imagine, merdre hit the fan. Pies and fists were flying and high society was aghast.

Be prepared for some nasty laughs in How I Became an Idiot. Never before in English, this rare collection has been translated from the French by the great Doug Skinner and is being issued in an extremely limited edition of 60 copies.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE:  THIS TITLE IS OUT OF PRINT

idiot

Read more about forthcoming Interim Editions on the Bookends page here.

good_pschitt

T.S. on American Publishers (1957)

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“The way they work, they examine a manuscript for a
while and then they may say ‘Oh yes, this is like Look
Homeward Angel,’ and then they look up the sales
record of Look Homeward Angel, and if that’s all right
they’ll take it. But if the manuscript happens to be
just a bit original, you can save yourself the postage…
unless it’s five or six hundred pages, of course, then
they’re rather apt to take it, anything; they got that
idea from big cars—you know, ‘What’s good for
General Motors…by Cracky!’ ” —Terry Southern

from HOT HEART OF BOAR & Other Tastesillustration by Norman Conquest illustration by Norman Conquest, from Hot Heart of Boar