How to Write the Suicide Note

The following is an excerpt from Doktor Bey’s Suicide Guidebook, just published in a Black Scat Classic Interim Edition,  part of the Absurdist Texts & Documents series. Limited to 85 copies.



Here are ten tips to aid you in writing your suicide note, a particular often overlooked.

  1. Use of the first person is generally preferred.
  2. For maximum impact and credibility, always write in the past tense. (Example:: I was a failure in business.)
  3. If you are without family, friends, or even enemies, address the note “To Whom It May Concern.”
  4. When possible, use a typewriter. Far too many notes are indecipherable.
  5. Keep a carbon copy in your pocket, in case the original is misplaced.
  6. Do not concern yourself with the “beginning-middle-end” rule. Just concentrate on the end.
  7. Keep in mind that these are your last words. They should be commensurate with your social position.  They should reverberate in the reader’s mind!  Avoid such clichés as “Goodbye cruel world” and “To be or not to be . . .” Strive for the poetic.
  8. Self-pity, slang, and obscenity are acceptable.
  9. If artistically inclined, attach a self-portrait.
  10. Be brief. Nothing is more boring than a long goodbye.

*  *  *  *

Doktor Bey's Suicide Guidebook


The Original How-To to End All is Back!

Doktor Bey's Suicide Guidebook

Long before Dr. Kevorkian was turning off the lights and the Hemlock Society was stocking up on helium—before jihadis were blowing themselves to smithereens—there was DOKTOR BEY’S SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK—the inspiration behind the worldwide assisted suicide movement. Indeed, the SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK (originally published by Dodd, Mead & Co. in 1977) is the world’s first, lavishly illustrated how-to to end all. Written by the notorious Doktor Bey, it has everything you need to know—including tips on composing the suicide note.

Black Scat Books is pleased to make this long out of print classic available to a new generation of the chronically depressed. With the world in chaos, DOKTOR BEY’S SUICIDE GUIDEBOOK is a welcome alternative to waiting around for Armageddon.

It’s a foolproof shortcut to god knows what.